Top Ten Pet Peeves

8 Sep

#10  Yo Pants Are Saggin . . .

Of course I’m referring to them fools walking around with their pants on the ground.  The penguinesque hobble generated by this gangsta chic style evokes a vague familiarity to me—and yet I’ve never been to prison.  Only after further contemplation am I finally able to determine the origins of this recognition.  It lies in the stagger of my two year old when he’s sportin a fully loaded diaper.  The kids already representin-whaaattt! Next thing you know he’ll be flashin me gang signs. Punk.

For real though, let me be clear, I ain’t tryin to hate on gangsta style here.  My pet peeve really just revolves around the fact that when I see a fool walkin with his pants on the ground, I get a sudden urge to pull mine up.  This is not good.  If I succumb to such urges, it could result in a number of unpleasant visualizations for passersby.  These include:

OR WORSE:

Nuff said.

#9  Smiley Faces That Look Like This: :O)

What, is that some kind of fucked up clown smiley face?  It makes me want to punch the person who typed it.  Sorry to my friends who use these . . . .

#8  Lopsided Bumper Stickers

Just so you know, this peeve seriously triggers my OCD.  No you di’nt ask your five year old honor student to put that shit on for you!  Like, “honey, I am so proud of you, now be a good little girl and go ruin mommy’s car with your awesome stupid fucking sticker.”  Seriously, how lazy do you have to be—you can’t put that shit on straight yourself?   Every day I fight the urge to bust out my best ninja-wear, invest in a shitload of super glue and go on a sticker straightening rampage.  Wwwwhhhhaaaattttt!

#7  Two Dogs and a Cat

Here I am one of the biggest animal lovers you will ever know, and yet my two dogs and a cat ring in at number 7 on my top ten pet peeve list.  Why you may ask, or should I say “ass” because that may be more appropriate.  Well let me tell you my friends, our two dogs Nacho and Buddy are senior doggies and, as such, have begun eating special geriatric dog food.  This change in diet has initiated significant changes to their gastrointestinal functioning.  Specifically, increased flatulence.  To be even more specific, nasty, bringing down the house, throw-up in your mouth, fart ninja-esque gas that accelerates at ohhhh, say about 10:00 p.m.

It seems they patiently wait to launch their fart-funk attacks until after I have stumbled down the hall, performed my nightly bed time rituals, and plopped down into bed.  Then, not a second after my head hits the pillow, silent assbombs start detonating all around me.  It’s like a shock and awe campaign, except these days the “shock” has dispelled but the “awe” remains intact with every scream of “Awe man, you stinky mutha fuckas!!”  It seems that after settling down in their respective doggy beds, relaxation takes hold and grants Messrs. Sphincters the authoratah to indulge in doggy stinkfest parties.  As I lay there anticipating the next stink bomb attack, my mind begins blasting a remixed version of “Who let the Dogs Out,” with new lyrics of “Who let the Farts Out? Fffrrppp, Fffrrpp, Ffffrrpp, Ffrrrpp Ffrrpppp.”  Damnit!!! Could it get any worse?  Silly question.

So, as I lay in bed under a reverse covered wagon, trying not to breathe out of my nose or mouth—so basically suffocating—I hold out hope the stench will dissipate shortly and by the time the next round goes off I will be fast asleep.  Ya right!  Next thing you know I hear the sounds of litter being kicked up, and kicked up, kicked up, and kicked up.  Then silence . . . .  and more silence . . . . and, still, more silence.  Ah oh.  This is gonna be a doozy!  Then the caca covering process begins.  Just to let you know there’s not enough litter in that box to cover up yo stank, Momo kitty.  At this point I’m scrambling for my lavender spray, have unscrewed the lid and tried snorting it up my nose.  Can anyone say “HEADACHE!” – don’t try that at home kids!  Meanwhile, my proud little Momolicious has finished her doody, jumped up on the bed and pranced over to receive her praise for successfully covering up the disgusting foulness released from “those heathen dogs” (her words, not mine).  Thank you, Momo, thank you, for I am now painfully aware that cat shit always trumps dog farts.

Coming soon numbers 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!!

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6 Responses to “Top Ten Pet Peeves”

  1. icrawbeans September 9, 2010 at 12:31 am #

    Well Katie the blog lady I must say I am very impressed. Not only have you captured your true essence on the internet, but you almost made me pee myself while laughing! Great job =)
    (Oh, and as much as I hate the saggy jeans I will take them over the new fad of skinny jeans! Hate them more)

    • katiethebloglady September 9, 2010 at 5:35 pm #

      Thank you so much! I really appreciate you taking the time to comment! Hope you come back to view my remaining peeves! : )

  2. Ang September 9, 2010 at 5:43 pm #

    Girl where did you find that effin camel toe??? I almost fell off my chair! Very funny, and so you! Love it! Keep it up!

    • katiethebloglady September 16, 2010 at 7:17 pm #

      I just busted out last years Halloween costume! lol : ) Thanks for the props homegirl!

  3. Get Low September 20, 2010 at 8:56 am #

    There is nothing like a good ol’ fashioned Haterblog. Thank you dear Bloglady.

    • katiethebloglady September 20, 2010 at 10:38 pm #

      Thanks Get Low, get low, get low, to the window to the wall . . . lol

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