Top Ten Pet Peeves, Part Deux

13 Sep

#6 Stuffed Animal Car Decorations

I only have one word, “WHY?”  Ahh, make that three, “WHAT. THE. FUCK.”

Toy Story 4 should be a documentary about how fucked up it is to be a toy stuffed up against a hot ass rear window in a piece of shit car with a bunch of lopsided bumper stickers.  The end.

#5 Fart Ninjas

Let’s not sugar coat it, shall we?  Fart ninjas are silent but deadly predators who prey on innocent victims.  In seconds, they will unilaterally snatch your dignity whilst making a swift and stealthy escape–leaving you reeling in a stench of great proportions.  These asshole ventriloquists feel no remorse for their actions.  In fact, I’m quite certain their satisfaction runs deep.  I think it’s the resulting perplexity which arouses such enjoyment; for when a fart ninja strikes, everyone is suspect—including you!

If you work in a high-rise like me, you will understand my irritation upon entering an elevator after a fart ninja has slipped out onto another floor.  You are left with the remnants of their foul asshole liberation, and the realization that every person who enters the elevator from here on out will identify YOU as the fart ninja.  You are then torn on whether to remain silent, or exclaim “It wasn’t me!  I’m not the fart ninja!  I swear it smelled like shit before I got in here!”  Either way, you’re still a suspect—so keep your mouth shut so as to reduce further assfunk inhalation.

Now, you may think you can avoid fart ninjas, but identifying one is not easy.  They don’t walk around wearing all black carrying samurai swords eating broccoli and beans, you know.  I have, however, been able to identify two possible distinguishing features of a fart ninja: 1) Often they present with narcissistic personality traits.  They are so confident in themselves they believe they can fuck shit up without being suspect because, of course, they are so fucking awesome one could only presume they don’t fart, ever, and 2) If you tap into your stalker like observation skills, you can identify a fart ninja by their covert fart ninja “arm-slice” move which in theory cuts off the fart so it doesn’t follow them and blow their cover.  Although I can offer these helpful hints, they really don’t do much good.  I mean seriously, are you really gonna yell out:

It’s Him!  He’s the Fart Ninja!  He’s a Narcissistic,
Broccoli Lovin, Fart Slicin Mutha Fucka!”

#4  People That Steal My Non-Reserved
Parking Space

Look, I know I have no right to my space—it’s not reserved, it doesn’t have my name on it, or an assigned number, but damn, after parking there every day for a month I developed a connection with it.  Then one day I show up and some asshole’s parked his car in MY spot!  Mutha fucka!  It’s not even a nice “place holder” car either, it’s some piece of shit with its paint peeling off, mismatched rims and a fucking scented tree air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror.  This shit sets me off.  And, as it is just the beginning of the day, I am now convinced this is a sign of things to come–I might as well go home and pull the covers over my head.  But, alas, this is not an alternative.

So inevitably, I make my way to the elevator which has already been rigged by a fart ninja for my entry.  As other people board, they give me “crazy eyes” like, “What did this bitch eat this early to fuck it up so bad?”  I want to scream, “I’m not the fart ninja you assholes!!” but I’m already feeling defeated.  Of course, the elevator then stops on *every* *fucking* *floor* until finallllllly I reach my destination.  Now, I wouldn’t want to bore you with the details, but let’s just say the remainder of the day doesn’t get much better.  I decide I need to take action.  I CANNOT have another day like this.  So, I devise a plan.

My first idea is a letter of intent to the asshole and his piece of shit that parked in MY spot and ruined my day:

“Dear Asshole:

I respectfully request you refrain from parking your
piece of shit in MY unreserved parking spot OR ELSE!

Sincerely, Me”

However, after further contemplation I concluded that this asshole really doesn’t care about his piece of shit, so he’s probably not very intimated by my threat of “OR ELSE!”  I could attempt to get to work even earlier and beat asshole to MY spot.  But realistically, unless I start shooting up crack, my ass will not be getting up before the clock strikes six.  So, after much deliberation, I have decided on a more appropriate means of securing my parking space–I hope it works!

#3 Bathroom Sink Sensors

Bathroom sink sensors are a sonofabitch.  On one hand, they are awesome because you don’t have to touch some disgusting faucet handle covered in urine and feces (you know they are!).  But, on the other hand, those fuckers NEVER WORK!  You’ll be sitting there looking like a jackass swooshing your hands back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.  Then you try a different approach, up and down, up and down, up and down.  Then, zig zag, zig zag, zig zag.  Then BAM! in walks the stinky lady.

All you’re thinking now is, “work, Work, WORK MUTHA FUCKA!”  Anxiety ridden, your karate chopping sink sensor rampage commences with great urgency.  You MUST get the hell outta there before the stinky lady starts blowing it up.  You are tempted to just say fuck it and use the hand sanitizer at your desk, but that just doesn’t seem right.  So, you stop for a moment to collect yourself.  You take one last deep breath before the assfunk starts seeping out of stinky lady’s bathroom stall.  Then, before you can attempt another try, stinky lady EXPLODES!  “Ffffffrrrrppppppp fffrrrrpppp ffrrpp ffffrrrrrrrppppp . . .”

[Instant revelation: Stinky lady is NOT a fart ninja!]

Holy shit!!  Your exit has been predestined.  Hand sanitizer it is. Mutha fuckin sink sensors.

Up Next: Part Tres! [ Keepin it trilingual up in hur!]


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One Response to “Top Ten Pet Peeves, Part Deux”

  1. Nikki_Chicken September 20, 2010 at 1:55 pm #

    I just became a victim of a fart ninja….damn they are sneaky!

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