Pet Peeves – It May Not Be Grand, But It Is The FINALE!

28 Sep

First time here?  I suggest you start here. :O)

#2 Workplace Facebook Blocking

Sometimes your job sucks and you must seek out new employment opportunities. For me, the whole application process can be a bit overwhelming and stressful—especially when it’s interview time. This is when I get all anxiety-ridden and require a few Xanax to counterbalance my crack addict-ish behavior. Once it kicks in then Iiii’mmm aallllll gggoooooooddd (wiping drool off chin) and ready to show’em what I got! Inevitably I get the job cause I’m the shit, and, clearly they’re buying what I’m selling (cough, Xanax, cough).

However, after a week or two at the new job (or in this case much sooner), I usually realize there were some serious questions I forgot to ask during my interview. Like, “Do I get a reserved parking space?” or “Is the co-worker I sit next to a fart ninja?” But the most important question you must ALWAYS ask is, “Does the Company block Facebook?” If so, this is most certainly a deal breaker. For me, Facebook is my lifeline, my social outlet, my love. The day I saw this message, I nearly gave my two weeks notice:

My life was RUINED!! Suddenly, I found myself engulfed in tears, cold sweats began setting in. I ran to the bathroom where a co-worker found me hours later locked in a stall swaying back and forth in the fetal position. She immediately ran out, grabbed some of my Xanax from her purse, came back, threw it at me and ran. WTF? A few minutes later I was finally able to resume work with a semblance of normalcy.

Still distraught though, I wrote the following poem—which ended up being a moment of great insight:

It was a sad, sad day when Facebook went away
I got a job; my bills to pay
They locked me out ev’ry mutha fuckin day
Sucks to have no right to say
But then I realized how much fuckin money they
must loose on that shit every year, especially the losses
associated with the decrease in productivity which can
be directly attributed to the highly addictive
engagement of social interaction facilitated
by that which is known as the “Great Facebook,” hey.

This poem really put things in perspective for me. It is true, employers are fucked if they allow employees access to this site. It’s a damn shame people aren’t I am not responsible enough to manage their my time more effectively. As proof, without Facebook, I soon found myself completing all my work. I had processed, cleared, dusted and disinfected everything on my desk, including all my pens in my little pen holder thingy. Facebook blocking had upped my productivity by one million percent! As it didn’t take long to complete all of my work-related duties, I soon found myself wandering aimlessly through the halls, dreaming up status updates that would never be.As the weeks passed, I began to notice co-workers ignoring me and several began giving me the stink eye. At first I thought they were just jealous – you know, here I am the new hot shot in town, showin’em up, showin’em how it’s done. All my shits done, I’m fast like lightening! Then one day during one of my many daily strolls, I caught a glimpse of something–something very familiar. Did I just see “Facebook” on her phone? Fuck ya I did! That’s why all them desks were piled high with paperwork!!!  Hello techno-lame-o!! Get a god damn IPhone dummy!! This purchase alone would ensure workplace standards remained intact and would also aid in the prevention of further mean muggin incidents due to the notion that I am totally fucking AWESOME!! (P.S. I am not a fart ninja.)

As you can see Facebook blocking can be detrimental to workplace harmony.  It disturbs the natural flow of productivity and can cause tensions towards co-workers who have not yet mastered the skill of inefficient time management.  That said, it is my recommendation that all my readers strive to maintain the status quo.  If you see an obstacle in your way (like Facebook blocking), seek new alternatives so as to maintain a harmonious workplace (e.g. buy a fucking IPhone).  It is imperative you do so or there could be dire consequences.

For example, I recently read an article about a newly hired, overly enthusiastic postman. He was able to complete his route in 3 hours when it took his fellow postmen 8 hours to do the same. He was super fucking awesome right? WRONG! Upon reflection after his “accident,” Mr. Postman theorized a direct correlation existed between co-worker hostilities, the many tire slashing incidents to his mail truck, his most recent brake failure, and his lack of an IPhone for Facebook access. Workplace standards people. Keep’em up or you may die.

#1 Wham, Bam, No Thank You SPAM!

Because pet peeves are generally a bit fleeting, deciding on a number one peeve was an extremely difficult task.  On any given day, a particular peeve can top the list thereby trumping all others as CHAMPION!!  However, this peeve best not get too comfortable in its position for as easily as it gained notoriety, it can just as easily lose it—ending up buried in the pet peeve graveyard as another, more grating annoyance takes its place.

So, you know, I was really feeling like there was alot riding on this decision—I wanted to ensure the most deserving peeve was recognized for its contributions.  As the pressure mounted, I became very aware of my unyielding power to make or break entire careers! The consequences could be devastating.  Without this esteemed title, some peeves might choose to seek out fame in less than desirable means—like reality shows or even, SEX TAPES!!! AHHHH!!!  It was then I decided I must focus on the positive.  I couldn’t worry about all these schmucks that didn’t make the cut.  I needed to focus on a winner!  A winner who would not only be crowned with the prestigious title of “Biggest Fucking Annoyance, 2010,” but who would also receive a trophy and an all inclusive trip for one to Disneyland!!  Fuck Oprah, look what Katie the Blog Lady can do for you!

At this point, I decided I was in need of a break–a little time to clear my head, this shit was starting to wear on me.  A quick visit to my Facebook page would be refreshing.  Maybe someone had commented on my recent post promoting “Willie Warmers” as holiday gifts.  I found them when searching for “holiday presents” “penises” on Etsy and just had to share. I was a bit intrigued because I never knew penises got that cold—at least not here in California. I presume they’d serve a purpose if you’re up skiing and found yourself buried in snow, a victim of an avalanche—that is one limb you don’t want to lose! But, anyways. Upon logging into my page, I saw the most frightful sight–and I’m not referring to the Willie Warmers! What the fuck was going on.

P.S.  Did you count 5 squares too?

Holy shit, I think MySpace threw up on my Facebook page!!  Disconcerted, I reached out to my Facebook friends to inquire if they too were experiencing the same fucked up boob-fest like me.  To my dismay, I received no response, nothing, nada.  I have to admit, I was kind of scurred–what happen to my fucking page?!?  I’ve got an abundance of suggestive girly ads, Russian bitches looking to get hitched, all kinds of ads promising to generate a fucked up picture of what my future baby would look like, IQ Tests, games, and interestingly enough a bunch of Twilight shit.  I was pretty sure I was going to have a seizure with all the blinking, animation and sparkly shit flashing all over my screen.  I was distraught.  And to top it all off, I knew what all my friends were thinking:

Friends: “I know that bitch was looking at porn.  She just posted that damn Willie Warmer shit—where do you think she found that?  What a perve!”

Katie: “Thanks you assholes!!”

Friends: “Damn, did she just call us assholes?”

Katie: “No (assholes).

Friends: “Have you been drinking?”

Katie: (Insert cricket sounds)

Ya, this shit definitely called for a bottle of wine!  I had fallen victim to a mutha fuckin SPAM attack!  I decided I’d better email Facebook and get this shit cleared up right away.  It was late, and I probably should’ve gone to bed, but, I didn’t.

_________________________________________________________________

From: Katiethebloglady
To: Facebook
Sent: Wed, September 15, 2010 1:53 AM
Subject: Boobies

I logged on t o may page tonight and I sawwww lotttssss of bboooobbbbiiiesss nad stuff.  What the fffuucckkcc did u guyys di for my page ? Halp me pleasshh I am very upsett!!!!1

katie the Spam Lady

_________________________________________________________________

Fuckers have not even responded!  And, I hate to admit it, but I’m kind of getting used to this shit all over my page.  In fact, I feel like I’ve grown quite close with all the Svetlana’s—I’ve been emailing them daily encouraging them to stay in Russia away from all these mail order bride sickies.  I even forwarded them pictures of what their future husbands really look like.

* THESE ARE THE MEN YOU ARE GOING TO MARRY! *

I also found that this SPAM was in fact very responsible in its efforts.  I mean, you have all these boobies and mail order brides advocating sexy time, then all these fucked up looking morphed baby pictures advocating abstinence.  I had to give them a little bit of credit.  Plus, I have made a lot more friends, from Russia!  So, I guess SPAM isn’t that bad, right?  Decide for yourself and don’t forget to comment!!

Shout out to my new friends, Svetlana, Natalie, Svetlana,
Vyona, Natalie, and Vyona!  Apparentlah they only have three
names to chose from in Russia . . .

____________________________________________________________________

Once you’ve married your hot Russian woman,
you can make some Wacky Babies!

Okay, these babies are not fucked up looking.  But, then again these aren’t morphed pictures either. I once took a baby maker picture with my husband and it took the most fucked up features of both of us and combined them. We vowed that day to never ever have kids.  Oops.

__________________________________________________________________

OTHER RANDOM SPAM (fo sheezy!!)

Holy fucking shit!!  Is that for real?  I think it is.  But, I’m not sure.  Augh, I guess make that “73% don’t know the answer!”

________________________________________________________________

YES!

_____________________________________________________________________

Um, don’t you mean Fredrick’s of Hollywood?

_________________________________________________________________

Holla at chur girl!

__________________________________________________________________

Yes, don’t let the dentist fool you!

Of course, there were many, many more wonderful SPAMertisements that I would love to share, but frankly I’m fucking sick of writing these god damned pet peeves.  Time to scrub my teeth and pass out ya’ll.  Until next time my friends! xoxo

 

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4 Responses to “Pet Peeves – It May Not Be Grand, But It Is The FINALE!”

  1. Casey September 29, 2010 at 10:06 am #

    Katie, you so funny chic!! I love it!! Thanks for makin’ my Wednesday mornin’ more pleasurable!!! hee-hee

  2. Nikki_Chicken September 29, 2010 at 1:48 pm #

    You always know how to make people laugh! I can’t stop looking at the hippo guy! : )

    • katiethebloglady September 29, 2010 at 6:07 pm #

      Why you making fun of people with no teeth Nikki Chicken? lol

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