But I Don’t Want to be a Hooker!

7 Oct

Hey everybody guess what? Halloween is right around the corner! Are you as excited as me? Do you have your costume yet? Me neither. That’s why I’ve been on the hunt for some inspiration as this year I have chosen to go a different “direction” with my costume so as to avoid dressing up like a fucking hooker as in years past. I know I haven’t depleted all my resources in this regard, and don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed wearing my fair share of less than conservative costumes, including an Alice in Wonderland-Hooker costume, Biker Chick-Hooker costume, Witch-Hooker costume, Cowgirl-Hooker costume and a Hooker-Hooker-every-day-wear costume.

However, I am toying with the notion that it may be time to begin wearing more age appropriate ensembles. Interestingly, there was a time, many moons ago, when I steered clear of such provocative costumes. In fact, I’m not entirely certain when my childhood wannabe punk rocker costumes evolved into these skank ass ho inspired get-ups. But, one could surmise that maybe, subconsciously, I have some uncanny desire to be a stripper. I have always wanted a pair of those clear plastic stripper stilettos with gold fish floating around in them. Those are sofa king RAD!

THEN:

I had my own definition of punk rock.

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I call this costume
“Preppy Madonna Jem Wannabe Punk Rocker”

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NOW:

Okay, I admit it.  That’s not me.

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To aid in my quest for inspiration, I thought it was important to reconnect with the roots of Halloween because, for my entire life, all I have really known is that I get to wear a costume, dye my hair pink, eat a shitload of candy, get a tummy ache, and in more recent years, pretend to be a stripper without the benefit of getting paid. No hundred dollah bills ya’ll! Boooo.

So, after months of research, I found that this holiday originated with the Celts way back in, I think, the early 1800s. It was a really long time ago, I know that much — maybe even before Christ. The Celts had their dates fucked up and celebrated New Years on November 1st (not the smartest tools in the shed). They believed that the night before the new year – October 31st – ghosts of the dead returned to earth to say “Whhhhaaaaattttzzzzz Upppppp Suuuccckkaasss?” and scare the shit out of everybody. To placate these spirits, the Celts celebrated a festival called Samhain during which they danced around huge bonfires in costumes made of animal heads and skins, and wore no underwear. Then, they would sacrifice shape shifters to the Celtic deities. Wait, ah, wasn’t that a True Blood episode? Anyways, that’s some fucked up shit, right?

So now I have a dilemma, because I ain’t trying to wear no goat carcass on my head and I’m not down wit free ballin vajayjayin or killing shape shifters.  It’s just not cool, period.  I was thinking maybe I could find an adult animal costume like a goat or pig or something to commemorate the origins of the holiday without feeling like Lady Gaga at the MTV Music Awards.

Lady KT!  Aw Hell Nah!


Unfortunately, as I searched for adult animal costumes , it became abundantly clear that adults who wear that shit are very likely to be into some funky ass fetish shit.  Like, funky funky, CSI Season IV, Episode 406 – Fur and Loathing funky fetish shit.  I can’t say I’m even vaguely interested in exploring this anthropomorphic animal/human role play fanaticism or sporting its attire, even for the sake of Halloween.  Sorry folks, but this Katie cat ain’t down with the furries (meow).  So, although I have hit another dead end on the costume train, I have gained further insight to those fools who flaunt stuffed animal decorations in their car rear view windows.

Plushophilia is:


And, NOW INTRODUCING:

* Things That Make You Go “Hmmmm” *

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CSI Furry

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Bowling Furries? Indeed.

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You guys should be freaking out right about now.

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I’m freaking out right about now, funk soul brotha.

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Now Furry is freaking out!!

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Now Foxy is freaking out!  Ahhhh!!!

Anyways, now I really don’t want to dress up as a goat, fox, cow, or anything animal related.  So let’s see, ho-alicious is out, animal hides/heads are out, and adult animal costumes are out.  Very ascary costumes are out too — I still have nightmares from looking at my parents’ Grateful Dead album covers as a kid.  And, lastly, I don’t want to do anything boring like dress up like a Nun.  Hey! What about a slutty Nun?  Oh wait.  SHHIIITTTT!!

To be continued . . .

P.S.  After much thought, I believe I should have altered my Google search to exclude the word “adult” in “adult animal costumes.”  Lesson learned.  And remember people, Furries are people too.  Don’t hate or discriminate.

P.S.S.  If I ever do decide to dress up like a goat, I would definitely wear these heals — they are pretty sick.

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3 Responses to “But I Don’t Want to be a Hooker!”

  1. Nikki_Chicken October 8, 2010 at 9:02 am #

    Just stick with the classics – Madonna Like a Virgin! : )

  2. Nikki_Not_Chickent October 8, 2010 at 10:12 am #

    Damn, those heels are pretty sick! Maybe I’ll be a goat for Halloween… a slutty one of course.

  3. Nikki_Not_Chicken October 8, 2010 at 10:13 am #

    Dammit… spelled Chicken wrong above!

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