Stapler Foils Sexual Harassment Lawsuit!

10 Nov
First, I must ask for your assistance with this post.  I feel it does not deliver to its full potential unless the pronunciation is accurate.  That said, please note that words presented in BOLD CAPS should be read in a MONSTER TRUCK VOICE! Thank you for your cooperation. :O)
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Press play for some monster truck voice inspiration!

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Now that we’ve covered that . . . .

I am a huge fan of office supplies.  In fact, I’ve grown quite dependent on them.  From sticky notes to binder clips, I rely on these fascinating little inventions every day.  In addition to using them in their traditional capacities, I sometimes utilize them in unconventional ways as well.

For instance, say I plan on going to happy hour.  Inevitably happy hour ends up being a !!!HAPPY HOUR EXTRAVAGANZAAHH!!! lasting until the wee hours of the evening (okay, like ten).  So, what’s that have to do with office supplies, right?  Well my friends, I suffer from a serious memory disorder called “Have Two Chocolate Martinis, Forget Your ATM Code.”  I am certifiable fo sho.  This means that, at times, I may pretend like I know my way home, but in actuality, I end up sitting next to the bum with the most cardboard until I regain my senses.  Then I steal that shit as I leave so I can use it to practice my break-dancing moves on later.  I know, it’s jacked up.

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I Have to Practice a Lot!

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Anyways, I have found a way to eliminate this most embarrassing and yet rewarding practice with the utilization of a regular, commonly used RRUUBBBBEER BAND!  Yes, my preciouses, a rubber band!  With just a few minor modifiations, I have created a technologically superior piece of rubber that will  transmit important data to me such as my name, home telephone number, and home address.

So you see, in addition to rubber banding, rubber bands play an integral part in ensuring our safety!  As I believe anyone could fall victim to this memory disorder at any time, I urge you to visit my Etsy store and purchase one of these life-saving devices TOOODAAYAYAYAY

And, in addition to providing you with essential personal security, they are also amazing pieces of jewelry for both men and women alike!  Every piece is uniquely embellished with a variety of bedazzle razzle dazzles even the pickiest jewelry connoisseur will love!  So awesome!  Purchase yours today for only two payments of $14.99 plus a onetime shipping and handling fee of $25.00!  Remember, You Can’t Put a Price on Your Safety!!

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I *just* ran out of precious jewels, so I supplemented
with these beautifully colored buttons!  Soo fashionable!

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Other office supplies I tend to favor are binder clips and sticky notes.  I use these supplies concurrently to communicate important messages when I am unable to speak without flames of ultra hot dragon fire coming out of my mouth.  I am convinced these little clampers, along with their sticky note companions, have saved many a lives, because, when one is warned of a potential threat, they tend to stay the fuck away.
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Additionally, small binder clips assist in remedying my reoccurring battle with headaches.  Some time ago I decided to hop on the “bangs are hecka cool” bandwagon.  The slight hindrance in vision caused by said bangs triggers a negative reaction from the microscopic gnomes living inside my head.  As their agitation rises, so does the pulsating behind my eyeballs.  I’m convinced they have little jackhammers on standby—just waiting for the emergency signal to sound to begin a path of  TOTAAALLLL DESTRUCTIIIIOOONNN BRAWHAHAAA!!!

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This guy got it for using a jackhammer, illegally.
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Although one could surmise that a couple of Advil would do the trick, this is not the case.  The gnomes cannot be fooled by this trickery!  The only way to restore harmony is to remove the obstruction (my bangs) from the viewing portal (my eyeballs).  This is where binder clips come in handy—because there’s not one f’n hair clippy to be found in my 20 pound purse which houses everything from bubblegum and binder clips to plastic dinosaurs.  But no clippies, right?  Riigghhtt.

Anyways, I’m convinced these jackhammering gnomes will pop out of my eye sockets and take over the world if I don’t take responsible action and remove my bangs from their viewing portal.  So, voila:

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Here’s a picture of a binder clip saving my life!

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Lastly, I’m going to talk a little about staplers.  They are a godsend.  Just like Milton’s obsession with his red Swingline in Office Space, I too hold a special place for this superior piece of office equipment.  Of course, staplers would be nothing without staples-so, throw’em up for those little pieces of wire ya’ll!! Whoot Whoot!!

I know I may seem overly enthused with this fine piece of office equipment, and, I am.  A stapler once saved me from enduring a class action sexual harassment lawsuit and inevitably years behind bars.  I owe my life to a stapler.  Their sheer fastening power should never be underestimated.  Ever.

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My tribute to the magnificent STAPLER!
Damn, I gotz hairy legs, yaah?!

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So, it all went down about 13 years ago when I began working as an administrative assistant at a prestigious law office in San Diego.  I was so excited–I was going to be Ally McBeal, except I wasn’t an attorney.  Ya, um, anyways. Here I was this young thang, broke as a joke working with all these grown-ups in a beautiful office with views of the bay and Balboa Park!  It was like, so fucking awesome.

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Although the views were beautiful,
it was the exterior that really compelled me to take the job.

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Remember when I said I was broke?  Well, I was really, really broke!  And my clothes suffered.  Scratch that, my work clothes suffered.  I delegated any extra money to fund my “evening wear” purchases (e.g., hot pants and half shirts) so as to maintain my “groupie” status for one especially talented local band.  I spent many a’nights shakin my ass to their jams – and hey, I ended up marrying the bass player so I guess it paid off!  Ahhhh, those were the days . . .

Anyways!  So I had a pair of black velvet pants that I classified as “day to evening wear.”  Oh how I loooved those pants, I really did.  And maybe, I wore them a little too often.  Or maybe a lot too often.  Either way, they didn’t have the wherewithal of say, a pair of Dickies that’s for sure.

So one day I’m wearing these favorite pants’o mine, lookin fly, shoot-winking (think Shooter McGavin) as I’m cruisin the halls.  Eventually I find myself in the brightly lit copy/office supply room meticulously restocking office supplies.  “Yellow pads here, blue pads here, red pens here, blue pens here.”  Then, bending down to put, “copy paper reams here. . . .” I hear a most disturbing sound. [Insert soundbite of pants tearing] –right down the flat seam (i.e. butt seam) of my most coveted pair of multipurpose pants!  Nice, right?

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This guy and I were in the same support group.

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Talk about the ultimate wardrobe malfunction!!  I was freaking the fuck out!! So, what’s a girl to do?  That shit needed to be handled and fast–before anyone got a good look at my jungle print underwear.  That alone would be means for a sexual harassment lawsuit!!  Or just harassment for that matter!

Luckily, after a preliminary check around the room, it was apparent that no one was privy to my unfortunate circumstances.  Shaking off my “oh shit” face, I grabbed a ream of copy paper, held it behind my bottom and cautiously returned to my desk.  I was safe, for the moment.  But, I needed a plan.  I couldn’t sit on my ass all day!!

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. . . not in my case!

[http://www.nataliedee.com/]

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Urgently, I scanned my desk for a solution to this dire situation.  Sticky tape?  Naw, that shit wouldn’t hold and it’d make weird crunching noises when I walked around.  Binder clips?  Naw, then I’d look like I had some weird butt disfigurement and I wouldn’t be able to sit down for the remainder of the day. Hmm . . .

And then suddenly and if magically, there, right before my eyes, a golden light shineth upon the glorious and all powerful STAAAPLER!! I snatched it up along with five staple strips and my ninja mask.  It was now time to execute my escape to the bathroom, undetected.  Duhn, duhn, duhn!
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“Must protect identity of jungle print underwear-wearer!”

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Applying the ninja skills I learned as a teenager when sneaking out of the house, I stealthily slid under desks and climbed over file cabinets to reach my destination. Tah duh! I did it! I ran into the bathroom stall to prepare for emergency surgery on my beloved velvet pants. I pulled those suckers off and assessed the situation. It wasn’t looking good; but, I was determined to salvage them-at least for a few more hours.
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I’m so ninja I bet you can’t even find me in this picture!

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Pulling the seams together I began to staple with great precision and care. One strip of staples down. Staple, staple, staple. Two, three, four strips of staples down. Looking good, “I think you’re gonna make it fancy pants!!” I was readying to put the final touches on this seamstress’ nightmare when another woman suddenly entered the restroom. Great! *Seam repair now on hold.*  How on earth would I explain the noises coming from my stall?

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Not me, but an accurate representation.

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I soon came to realize there was no need to fret; my bathroom-mate was none other than the STINNKKY LADY!! I could have been a jackhammering gnome in thur and that bitch still wouldn’t hear anything over the noises created by her ass eruption!   Screw it! Staple, staple, staple. Done! Now, a quick look in the mirror before Stinky Lady’s stench took over. ______________________________________________________________________

Besides a little wedgie, I was looking pretty good!

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Another lawsuit avoided thanks to a handy dandy stapler. Praise Jesus.

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2 Responses to “Stapler Foils Sexual Harassment Lawsuit!”

  1. Sam DeMelo November 11, 2010 at 8:35 am #

    Great post Katie! I knew staplers were awesome but this has inspired me to carry one everywhere I go. And, I do love me some Strong Bad, fabulous clip.

    • katiethebloglady November 11, 2010 at 9:23 pm #

      Staplers save. Don’t chu forget it! :O) P.S. I think I might be in love with Strong Bad.

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