Welcome my friend!  You have stumbled upon my writings of random comicalness.  Here you will find short stories which document the realities that are my life.  I love sharing–in fact some may say I share too much too often.  And, they can suck it.  Luckily for you here in internet-land, I can’t hold you captive and make you read like I do with my friends hostages.  I do hope though, my writings fulfill some kind of fucked up void you are looking to fill.  As such, I implore you to read, laugh, relate and share if you are so inclined!

Who is This Bitch?

I am Katie, hear me ROAR!  Okay, that was lame, but I’m keeping it anyways.  I’m an old ass broad, well not that old.  But 34 sure seems old when compared to the 2 ½ years my adorable son has been on this earth.  I am a mom and wife which means I am a planner, housekeeper, chef, accountant, doctor, dictator and mutha fuckin babysitter yo!  I also work full-time like every other poor sap who, works full-time.  I enjoy writing, running, dancing, meditating, sneaking into my friends’ backyard and swimming in their pool when they’re not home, beer, wine, and hard liquor –especially chocolate espresso martinis!  No I don’t have a problem so you best not be tryin to report me to CPS.  I’ve been waiting FO-EVA to get my teardrop tattoo so don’t even play!

Is This Bitch a Qualified Storyteller?

Unequivocally, yes.  In 1983 I received my certification in storytelling.  In fact, one of my first stories was not surprisingly told to my parents:

“No I did not lock Nikki (my 2 year old sister) in the bathroom and cut off all her hair.  She  followed me in there when I was giving Barbie a therapeutic shampoo and conditioning.  I figured since I was there I would go ahead and trim up Barbie’s fucked up ends as she was looking pretty haggard.  Once I finished with the cut I realized that bitch was still in need of some intensive conditioning.  So, I set the scissors aside and began applying a Vaseline conditioning therapy.  I looked away for one second and Nikki had grabbed the scissors and cut off ALL her hair.  Not my problem.  Bitch shoulda known better.”

Ya, they totally bought it!  In fact, in seventh grade when I was having a bad bang day—which by the way meant that my Aqua Net was not sufficiently holding my bangs five inches high—I cut that shit off, and blamed it on my sister.  And people believed me too!

“OMG, my sister is such a psycho!  Last night we like got in a fight, and when I went to bed she like came into my room when I was sleeping and like cut off like part of my bangs!  Do you know how long it will like take for me to like grow this shit out again?  I am so losing my street cred as we speak!  Like what am I going to do?  Oh ya, and do these china flats make me look like I have chicken ankles?”

No wonder all my friends slept with one eye open during sleepovers.  My poor, poor sister, Nikki chicken (Brawk bra-brawk!).

In addition to my natural talent, I do believe I inherited my love of storytelling from my mother.  This conclusion became quite evident when, one afternoon, she was retelling the story of my birth.  Don’t worry, I won’t get into too much detail.  According to my mother, this is how it all went down:

My parents were living in Colorado when one fine evening my mom went into labor.  It took five long hours to pack because my dad kept forgetting what he was doing (if you get my drift – it was the 70s).  Finally, they were on the road heading down the highway when a giant avalanche came crashing down right in front of them!  In utter panic, my dad began to roll, I mean freak out!  As there were no cell phones at this time my parents’ only resource was to tap into their telepathic sensories to summon outside assistance.  Suddenly a helicopter appeared right before their eyes!  They were then airlifted to the hospital where my mom endured days of excruciating labor without the aid of an epidural or any narcotics.  Finally after 20 days, my ugly ass popped out. The end.

Why Should I Believe a Thing This Bitch Says?

Didn’t you ever hear, “You shouldn’t believe everything you read?”  But, for your piece of mind, my storytelling is 99.5% nonfiction with just a dash of hyperbole.

I’ve Still Got Questions This Bitch Hasn’t Answered!

Feel free to email with any questions!  I’m more than happy to make up responses respond to your inquiries!

Last Words:

Thank you, thank you, and thank you again for visiting my blog!  I hope you enjoy it as much as I do! :O)


3 Responses to “About”

  1. Nikki_Chicken September 10, 2010 at 5:19 pm #

    OMG I don’t remember YOU cutting YOUR bangs and blaming it on me! We should talk about the time you taught me to say bitch and then Grandma washed my mouth out with soap. Then to make it up to me, you said let me do your makeup and you made me look like a clown. LMAO

  2. stefanie ures September 20, 2010 at 10:20 pm #

    I usually don’t read much but I want more of ur stories. I’ve ne er laughed soo much in my life Thanks so much. And keep it coming!

    • katiethebloglady September 20, 2010 at 10:36 pm #

      Thanks Steffany! I’m so glad you enjoyed it!! More to come for sure! :O)

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